Welp, there she goes. Another school year come and gone with no sexual intercourse for Chadison High’s own Mr. Brad Grenke. That’s right, boy’s varsity soccer team, you weren’t the only ones at CHS trying to get laid before graduation. True, I am not technically a virgin but I had made a vow to myself nonetheless: Before the seniors walked down the aisle to Vitamin C’s seminal “Graduation Song”, I would slip my pud into a sexual partner. And I have failed.

Now before you get your hackles up, I certainly wasn’t ‘after’ any of my students. I’m no pedophile and I’m pretty sure none of the CHS students would have me anyway. I’m a 45 year old calculus teacher who eats quinoa out of the same pot I cook it in for every single lunch. None of my pants have ever fit me and I have a back-to-front combover. I actively swerve to hit squirrels when I’m driving and I smell like Kraft Creamy Italian dressing despite never having eaten it even once. I’m aware of what I am.

The "True Companion" sex robot, Roxxxy, on display at the TrueCompanion.com booth at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, Nevada, January 9, 2010.  In what is billed as a world first, a life-size robotic girlfriend complete with artificial intelligence and flesh-like synthetic skin was introduced to adoring fans at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo.    AFP PHOTO / Robyn Beck (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Lindsay is NOT as durable as she looks.


Yet every September I vow to myself that this school year, I will have sex before graduation. And every year, while the senior boys are high-fiving over their adolescent conquests, I am left to wonder: “Do I give up and buy another sex robot?”

The logical answer would be, yes. Yes, Brad, just buy another sex robot. But do you know how hard it is to buy a realistic Japanese sex robot on a public school teacher’s salary? Especially when you break them at the rate I do? Well I’ll tell you: It’s very, very hard. I consume sex dolls at a rate of 1 every 4 months. At nearly $10,000 a doll that’s — well, you do the math. And show your work, please.

So I will wade through yet another summer and begin anew next fall. In the meantime I shall enjoy my summer community college course on circuits. I shall fix you Lindsay, my sweet, electric mama. I shall fix you.


Image via Shutterstock, Huffington Post

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