Get in the doorway, California. At the National Earthquake Conference in Long Beach this week, scientists announced that the southern portion of the San Andreas fault is “locked, loaded and ready to roll,” long overdue for a massive tectonic shift.

“Shut up, stay perfectly still” the fault groaned to geologists, “I’m so close. I’m gonna nut.”

This means the fault — which last nutted in 1857 — is backed up like crazy and dancing madly on the precipice of release. “Don’t move, but also don’t stop doing whatever it is you’re doing” earthquake scientists told concerned conference goers. “If you’ve been looking it in the eye, then by all means, keep looking. But if you haven’t, don’t start now. This thing could nut at any second.”

Scientists say the inevitable release should come as no surprise, and that Californians should be prepared. “We knew the fault was edging toward some sort of climax, but all the shuddering and moaning has made clear that the Pacific coast is about to come face-to-face with a nutting the likes of which it’s never seen. This thing could cause upward of $200 billion in damage.”

“But, y’know,” they shrugged, “it’s not like it’s gonna be ready to go again right afterward or anything.”

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.