San Diego resident Marla Richards, 26, was in her kitchen Wednesday night when it happened. “I was doing the dishes when suddenly I realized my vagina was completely dried up. Like a piece of toast you let sit for too long, you know? At first I was confused but then I remembered: Comic Con starts tomorrow.”

The four-day convention brings hundreds of thousands of geeks to San Diego each year, from comic book enthusiasts to adults in children’s costumes, video game addicts, chronic virgins, and even Hollywood development execs. For many of America’s Internet trolls, Comic Con is the one time of year they see actual sunlight. But for the women of San Diego, it’s a dark time.


“I basically can’t have sex for the entirety of Comic Con, even though my boyfriend is super hot,” bemoans San Diego resident Tara Kincaid, 25. “All those dorks concentrated so densely in one place, it just sucks any sexual desire right out of you. Even now that celebs like Chris Hemsworth come to Comic Con, it’s not enough,” Kincaid explains, choking back tears, “It’s just not enough.”

UPDATE: Supergirl star Melissa Benoist was rushed to the hospital this morning due to severe vaginal dehydration after attending a meet and greet with fans for two minutes.

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