Scientific researchers at Princeton released the results of a year-long study measuring the penis size and girth of the average American male, concluding that scientific researchers have the largest penises of any male group.

Taken from a sample size of 15,000 men, lead researcher John Hillberg says this data is conclusive and without error. “We did regular tests in a lab and it just so happens that researchers have the hugest and most attractive penises. It’s true because it’s science.”

All other males had normal distribution with an average size of 5.16 inches, with a standard deviation of around .5. Scientific researchers however, according to Hillberg, were “Waaay bigger than that.” Surprisingly, on the smaller end of the spectrum? Scientists at MIT. “Yeah. Those guys at MIT have the tiniest penises. 100%.” The team provided a data visualization that accompanies the published piece:


“To be honest I wasn’t that surprised,” says Greg Collins, another research assistant. “When we all hit the gym and dare each other to see how much we can bench, you can tell we’re all packin’ some heat. Lotta meat swingin’ around that locker room.”

“It’s weird because whatever size you have, you just assume you’re normal.” Mused Collins, who has devoted the last year of his life to this study. “I never made a big deal about it. Sometimes the multiple women I slept with would say ‘wow Greg your penis is so big and strong, please put it inside me more.’ But I thought that happened to every guy. Guess it’s only us scientific researchers, though.”

Of course, skeptics are questioning the causal relationship of researchers to penis size. Says Hillberg, “We aren’t positive yet but our hypothesis is that researchers just have bigger penises than everyone else.” Which led “everyone else” to ask: why do this study now, or at all? According to the Princeton team, an increasing number of people wanted to know the size of scientific researchers’ genitalia. Says Hillberg, “Until now, it was hard to record the penis size of scientific researcher because they were always in a vagina or a butt.”

For the 14,978 men in the study who found out they had unusually smaller penises in comparison to scientific researchers, it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you work with what you’ve got. Although scientific researchers are pretty good at that, too. More privately-funded analyses are underway but preliminary data suggests that scientific researchers are also the best at driving fast and can punch the hardest.

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