The screaming baby that you really hope isn’t on your flight has issued a statement and said that it doesn’t want to be on a flight with you, either, thank you very much.

“That guy? Yeah, I don’t want to be on a flight with that guy. He weirds me out,” the baby said.

The baby continued, “He said that this was his flight, huh? He doesn’t want me on his flight? What, does he own the airline or something? Get the hell outta here with that garbage.”

Nobody is happy about this.


When asked why he didn’t want to be on the same flight as you, the baby cited your physical appearance and general demeanor.

“First of all, he’s going to fall asleep and he’s going to snore. You can bet on it,” the baby said. “I mean, you can smell it coming a mile away. That guy is like a walking advertisement for sleep apnea. And then when he wakes up, he’s going to choose some terrible inflight movie and I’ve got to watch it out of the corner of my eye the whole time because the brightness is turned up to fucking one thousand percent. You think I want to spend two hours half-watching some late-period Tim Burton bullshit? My crying is twice as original as that crap.”

The flight attendants, when asked for comment, said that they don’t want to be on the same flight as any of you.

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