Conservative pundit Sean Hannity reports switching wireless carriers because he thought something must have been wrong with his phone. But sadly, no, he just doesn’t receive any calls.

“Today’s the day, I can feel it,” Hannity said, optimistically rubbing his hands together while staring at his new phone. “Come on, anyone. Let’s go, anyone. We got this.”

Hannity was eager to share details of the completely unverifiable conversation he supposedly had with presidential nominee Donald Trump several years ago, a discussion that would allow him to clear up any misconceptions about Trump’s taxes, finances, charitable contributions, and even his entirely foolproof plan to defeat ISIS.


“Yeah, I’ve got it all written down right here,” said Hannity, who winked as he pointed to his temple. “It’s all up here.”

Hannity then gained a fleeting moment of elation upon receiving his first text message in weeks, but it turned out simply to be Verizon telling him he had gone over his data cap for the month.

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