Restricted by a new New York State stipulation from playing the popular smart phone game “Pokémon Go,” in which users attempt to “catch” hundreds of different Pokémon characters, local sex offender Paul Flimch says he’s still “gotta catch ‘em all.” He punctuated his declaration with a raspy, high-pitched laugh and a long drag from his menthol cigarette.

“Sure, I’ll miss playing Pokémon Go,” the legally registered sex criminal said between bites of cottage cheese sprinkled with stevia, “Tracking ‘em down, cornering ‘em, capturing ‘em – I love that stuff.” He paused to leer around the midtown deli and swallow a fingernail. “Now I’ll just do more of that stuff in real life.”

Governor Andrew Cuomo and state senators enacted the stipulation, saying that Pokémon Go, with its appeal to children and “lure” feature, provided a “virtual roadmap” for sex offenders. “That’s true,” said Flimch. “Pokémon Go almost made it…too easy? Oh well, back to my roots, I guess.”

Pokémon Go features animated creatures with names like Jigglypuff and Squirtle. “Squirtle was always my favorite,” Flimch hissed through chapped lips. “It’s one of those words that sounds dirty, but it’s not. Squirtle.

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