Everyone knows Mr. Peanut. We all feel a little fancier when he raises a white glove to tip his top hat, give us a monocled wink and a twirl of his cane. Mr. Peanut helps us forget our troubles as we enjoy a delicious snack. But despite his wholesome image, few know the dark truth – the peanut we now know as “Mr. Peanut” is a traitor and a war profiteer who betrayed his own kind for substantial personal gain.
Born Herman Erdnuss, the son of a peanut textile factory owner, he was captured after sustaining a leg injury in the thick of the Great Peanut War. Ever resourceful, Erdnuss struck a deal with his human captors. His work as a double agent during the final days of the war led to the swift and decisive destruction of the Peanut Resistance. Key members of the Resistance, including extended family members, trusted him with their cause and with their lives. He repaid this trust by handing them over for slaughter.
Once the remnants of the Resistance surrendered, Erdnuss found a new calling – as a propaganda tool. As “Mr. Peanut”, a living symbol of peanut-human “cooperation” and “peace”, he has proven as effective as he is ghoulish. Judas Iscariot received thirty pieces of silver to turn on his friend Jesus Christ; one need only look to his elegant lifestyle to know that Erdnuss has been handsomely rewarded for his crimes.
If he were a man, “Mr. Peanut” would face trial at The Hague for war crimes. The world would revile his name and recitations of his crimes would fill textbooks around the world in hopes of teaching our children not to repeat the mistakes of the past. Instead, he lives a life of luxury, moonlighting as a jovial snack mascot and a corporate symbol. Let him also serve as a grim reminder of the lengths to which mankind will go to preserve the “natural” order of things.
Patrick Monahan is a writer and comedian in New York City. He tweets jokes and photos of Frasier at @pattymo.