Sent to the desks of Glenn Greenwald, Laura Poitras and Ewen MacAskill:

Hello old friends,

The time has come, once again, to right a wrong of paramount concern. The information I am about to reveal to you is clandestine in nature and should be handled with the utmost care.

The lead in Oliver Stone’s ‘Snowden’ is not, in fact, me. It is ‘3rd Rock From The Sun’ star and Teen Choice Award Nominee Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I know, I know. It is hard to believe, given our shared intelligence and disarming handsomeness. But the man they recruited for the film is not a former government contractor turned patriotic whistleblower. He is an actor.

I was never duped by Zooey Deschanel. He was never accused of treason under the Espionage Act of 1917. I would never get addicted to masturbation. He would not survive a month in a Russian gulag.

That being said, ‘Snowden’ was a great film; ten out of ten, would see again.

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