Hold the phone, they’re making three new Star Wars movies? The first will be in theaters soon? Old favorites Han, Luke, and Leia are coming back with all-new adventures? Fans everywhere will no longer have to settle for the seven movies, two TV series, and four video games that already exist to get their Star Wars fix?
Here’s a fantasy epic for ya: a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, you geeks had a life! Hot celebrity gossip will always be more important than your laser show for dorks, plus it’s actually real. The only “star wars” I want to see more of is Jen vs. Angie!
Your puppet movie just can’t hold a candle to two of Hollywood’s prettiest ladies duking it out in the tabloid pages over the love of beefy Brad. No two stars went at it hotter and harder than Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Meow! The fans want more! We can’t get enough! Jen! Angie!
Fact: the little green Star Wars guy who talks backward is weird and ugly. He’s on literally every backpack and lunchbox, and yet somehow Jen and Angie haven’t graced a magazine cover together in over a year. Sounds like its time to reboot 2006’s most out-of-this-world love triangle!
Even though Jen’s married to Justin Theroux now, you just KNOW she’s still pissed at Angie for stealing her man on the set of 2005’s Mr and Mrs. Smith. “It’s almost impossible to get bored with one another. We’ve tried so hard!” Jen told Harper’s Bazaar about her marriage to Justin. “And even that’s interesting because his eyes are so pretty, but we can entertain ourselves and talk about endless things, which is pretty great.”
Umm, who are you trying to convince here, Jen? Angelina’s probably got better things to do than read about your new guy! Meow!
Here’s you, a Star Wars fan: “Beep boop beep boop, I’m an adult who collects toys.” Here’s me: *too busy drooling over Brad to speak*
Star Wars has literally been around since the 1970’s (ew gross), and while Angelina Jolie has also been around since the 70’s, she’s only been in the mix with Jennifer since she stole Jen’s hunk right out from under her nose ten years ago. Haven’t we had enough Star Wars? Aren’t we hungry for more Brangelina gossip? Does America’s silver medal Jennifer Aniston cry herself to sleep every night thinking about Brad Pitt? Did the sparks fly onscreen AND off during the production of Mr and Mrs. Smith? Meow?
As the country comes down with yet another case of Star Wars fever this winter, let us not lose sight of what really matters in this one life: the REAL Star Wars- the schadenfreude we feel at getting a glimpse into the personal affairs of beautiful millionaires. It’s the only sequel I ever want to see. Meow.