Nothing beats a BBQ full of grilled meats, fish, veggies and, my favorite part — the sides. A solid BBQ is what summer is all about and a big plate of homemade sides is my diet’s kryptonite.

BUUUUT because I wasn’t invited to a SINGLE BBQ this 4th of July weekend, I’m going to go ahead and ruin side dishes for everyone. Here’s a list to remind you what you’re actually eating when you shovel all those delicious apps and sides into your rude, forgetful mouths this 4th.

Spaghettis With Mayo


That’s what pasta salad is — cold, slimy spaghetti with drippy, eggy mayo slathered alllll over it. Here’s something to think about when you’re taking a fat nice scoop of macaroni salad: What if you rinsed it off in a colander and put marinara sauce on it? That’s so gross, right? Sorry — psyche, I’m not sorry. You left me out of your BBQ fun and I’ll never get over it. And, yeah, I know spaghettis and macaronis are not interchangeable or grammatically correct. I don’t care. I just want to make you hurl.

Salty, Wet Cabbage


Sauerkraut’s soooo great on top of a hot dog or on its own. But don’t forget, it’s just wet, old cabbage slathered in salt and left to rot on a shelf. A dog wouldn’t touch it but sure, pile it on your plate. And maybe next time, invite your co-workers to your backyard BBQ, ok?

Deconstructed Chicken Menses With Mustard


Do you even need my help to remind you how disgusting deviled eggs are? Sure they taste amazing and are the rare, somewhat-healthy BBQ treat. But never, ever forget that it’s a tiny little chicken miscarriage whipped up with mustard and left to bake in the sun. Gagging yet?

Diced Plant Ovary


All fruits are ovaries and there you are, munching away on them like it’s NOTHING. Sorry to do this to you but my FEELINGS ARE HURT.

Ocean Roach With Mayo


I’m thinking of shrimp salad but this applies to your lobster rolls, your shrimp coctails, your crawfish boils — you are eating little SEA BUGS covered in mayo. It’s NOT FINE and neither am I, guys. Not ONE BBQ?

Fart Grenades In Ketchup


Ugh, eat up you literal gas bag. Those baked beans you love so much are nothing but pre-fart nuggets rolled in sugary red goo. They are gross, just like you and your lack of social grace. Hope you hate all food now, happy 4th.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.