In an apparent effort to combat campus rape, Stanford University has outlawed hard alcohol at campus parties (a thing that’s already illegal for most undergrads anyway).
“It’s really hard to take on rape culture and violence against women,” Standford’s Dean of Students Todd St. Todd wrote in a statement regarding the change. “So we just went ahead and said students aren’t allowed to do a thing most of them aren’t allowed to do anyway.”
When reporters suggested that banning alcohol indicates booze and not Turner himself were responsible for rape, St. Todd exclaimed, “Finally, yes! Someone who gets it. Brock Turner didn’t rape anyone, party culture did. In a way, Brock Turner himself was raped by alcohol. Wait, can you not print that last thing I said? It makes me sound like an asshole who, through his actions, is subtly apologizing for an adult rapist.”
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