Greetings fellow Jedis and Jedi Padawans,
I know you’re probably surprised to hear from me this close to the debut of Star Wars: The Force Awakens saying something other than “J.J. Abrams better not ruin this for us,” but I have a message of great urgency. It turns out: You can have sexual intercourse someone who hasn’t seen Star Wars.
The other night, I found myself at a local cantina with a few like-minded individuals. For the most part, the patrons were of the same caliber as those you might find at Mos Eisley, but there was a beautiful creature there that caught my eye. She possessed both Princess Leia’s strength and Queen Amidala’s warmth, and resembled them both in that her hair was also sort of brown. Also, she was a music therapist, which is pretty cool. You don’t really meet that many music therapists. But soon all of her positive traits—and trust me, there were a lot of them—would be overshadowed by one big difference between us. Our conversation was soaring through the sky like the Millennium Falcon until I abruptly asked, apropos of nothing, “Have you ever seen Star Wars?!” And when she answered no, my heart exploded like the Death Star.
What happened next, I can only chalk up to mind tricks; despite my Jedi training I went home with this woman and engaged in sexual relations with her even though she’s never seen Star Wars! In fact, she referred to a singular movie as a “Star War.” So you’ll be surprised to hear what happened when I engaged in sexual contact with this woman: I had an orgasm. Of course, the intercourse wasn’t as mentally stimulating as it would’ve been if she’d had high levels of Midi-chlorians in her blood—or knew what I was talking about when I brought up Midi-chlorians while I was inside her—but I reached completion almost as quickly as I normally would. You’d think I’d be as dry as Tatooine, but in fact, it was quite the opposite.
I’m not saying you have to forgive anyone for not seeing Star Wars—because presumably they have been walking around with their eyes closed and their fingers in their ears since 1977—but you can still sleep with them and enjoy it. It’s not like any of us have the easiest time getting laid.*
May the force be with you:
Bactor Thunderwar (aka Charles)
Grand Master of the New York Regional Jedi High Council
*And yes, of course I know that there are women who like Star Wars, but there are just so many more of us who are dudes.
Lana Schwartz is a writer who was born, raised, and continues to live in New York City. Visit lanalikebanana.