We’ve had a tough year, America, and as your watchful guardian I know how stressful it’s been. Divisive issues across the board have really been putting the rust in my bust, but there is hope. The Fourth of July, my birthday. A day for a nation to come together, putting aside their differences in the spirit of liberty. A day for fireworks. A day for family. A day for Uncle Sam to eat me out like a pig from a trough.

I mean this year has REALLY been a tough one to watch. From gun control to Donald Trump, it’s all been making me drier than Death Valley. You guys are blowing it, but now it’s time for you to start blowing clit. I work 364 days a year, welcoming immigrants into this country just for half of you to hate them, but not today. Today is my special day, and just like any All American girl, I’m going to spend it getting licked clean by Senator Mitch McConnell.

Go get her, Mitch!

Line up boys! It’s time to pay your dues! I don’t care what party line you tow, today you all walk the same line, wrapping around Ellis Island and right into my big green bordello. From the Florida Fingerdam to the Seattle Southpaw, I want to feel all of what America has to offer its oldest gal. America’s public servants, the Michigan Icebox, the Texas Tonguepunch, the Alaskan Sit In The Corner And Watch, it’s time for you to take all energy you saved this year not working and put it towards something constructive, like an orgasm that’ll knock Wall Street into the Hudson.

America is a democracy, a country built on the belief that everyone is represented fairly. That’s why I’m inviting every congressman and mayor alike, from sea to my shining V, rather than burying your head in the sand this Independence Day, to bury your head in my crotch instead. It’s time for the whole nation to go to town!

I want Hilary Clinton to give my Cape Canaveral a Cooter Clutch while Donald Trump gives a Cleveland Cleaner on my back end. I want Paul Ryan to wipe his chin with Old Glory. I want Bernie Sanders to get flabbergasted at my vagina then fight for my reproductive rights. I want John McCain to use the last moisture left in his body getting me wet. I want Joe Biden to do what Joe Biden does best. I want Ted Cruz to stay home.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your hungry for puss.” I stand at the helm of this nation as a symbol of its spirit. Strong, proud, and horny as hell, but other qualities we sometimes forget about: Equal, generous, and hard working. When did we forget that? And what better way to show we remember than with a whole day of eating out my pussy? Cum all ye faithful, and reignite my torch, America.

Luke Strickler is a writer in New York City and a person everywhere else. He’s head of gags at Boys Night Videos and has written for everywhere that lets him. @Luke_Strickler

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