STEVE: “Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight’s Presidential Edition of the Feud!”

[Audience cheers.]

STEVE: “Okay, let’s meet tonight’s contestants. The Clintons and the Trumps!

Donald, please take your hand off Ivanka’s waist so you can come up here and join Hillary for tonight’s first face-off. Wow, Hillary, I haven’t seen someone give the evil eye to another person like that since I asked my tailor to double the number of buttons on my jacket!”

[Audience sort of chuckles.]

STEVE: “Okay. We asked 100 people to name something that they find untrustworthy.”

DONALD: “Hillary!”

[Audience laughs.]

STEVE: “Okay, okay, calm down, people. Let’s see what the survey says… show me Hillary!”

[Scores 37 points.]

HILLARY: “You know, Steve, I think my record speaks for itself. My four decades of unwavering public service have been completely overshadowed by this petty email scandal, which — ”

STEVE: “Oh, sorry to cut you off there, Mrs. Clinton, but we agreed no political talk tonight. That’s not what the people at home are interested in watching.

Okay, let’s get to know the other contestants. Bill, I understand you’re a former president? Oh, if you could just take your hand of Ivanka’s waist when I’m talking to you, that’d be great.”

[Audience laughs.]

BILL: “Hah, okay. I gotta say, Steven, I’m surprised that I wasn’t the number one answer for most untrustworthy!”

[Audience laughs.]

[Nation weeps.]

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