I know you boys didn’t do anything wrong — you’re good kids — but that Lochte kid… I just don’t trust him. He always seems to be up to something. I just don’t want you hanging out with him anymore. OK?

He dyed his hair that crazy color. (White? On a boy? I don’t think so.) He’s always fighting with the Phelps boy. I just don’t like the way he talks to me. I know he’s a little bit older and has been to an Olympics or two, but that doesn’t mean he’s setting the right example. I think he drinks too.

Now, I heard from Mrs. Williams at the post office that you all trashed that gas station in Rio and pissed all over the place, but I know Lochte must have told you to do it. My good boys wouldn’t do that. You’re 20-something white males with minor celebrity status; there’s no way you could do anything wrong.

Now go take out the trash and wash up for dinner. We won’t speak of him again in this house.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.