Hey Chipotle, it’s Taco Bell.
So I turn on the TV this morning, and in between bites of my Grande Scrambler, I see you guys are under government investigation for a multi-state E. coli breakout. To which I thought, “Um, what?” Taco Bell has been putting E. coli in our food since our founding in 1962 and no one has said a word.
According to reports, around 234 people have contracted E. coli from Chipotle restaurants. You kidding me? We’ve served billions. It’s just so weird to us that all of a sudden it’s a big deal. I mean our slogan is “Think Outside the Bun,” which is literally warning you to imagine stuff leaving your butt.
We aren’t hiding the fact that we have E. coli in all our food. I mean, come on. Instead of juice for breakfast, we offer Mountain Dew® Kickstart™ Orange Citrus. Here are the names of some things you can buy at Taco Bell:
- Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
- Double Decker® Taco Supreme®
- XXL Grilled Stuft [sic] Burrito
- Beefy Cheddar Crunchwrap Slider
- Loaded Potato Griller
- Boss Nachos
Boss Nachos, you kidding? And I won’t tell you which, but one of those meals I listed is just a bunch of E. coli we put in a tortilla. What I’m trying to say is that Taco Bell has consistently made slick brown water leak out of our customers’ asses for years, and we’ve never gotten this much national attention.
Here’s an excerpt from our “About Us” page on our website:
… Taco Bell is committed to crafting quality Mexican fast food that will – with 100% certainty – contain large, unabashed amounts of E. coli.
Ask anyone in a Taco Bell, they’ll tell you. There’s an E. coli sauce packet. It’s in every item’s ingredients, even the coffee. It’s what our founder Glen Bell dreamed of. He dreamed of a restaurant where you could haul your sweaty, screaming children at 11pm to shut them up by shoveling a Nacho Cheese Doritos® Locos Taco Supreme into their ungrateful mouths. Taco Bell has worked hard to ensure our brand is synonymous with good food, affordable prices, and bloody stool.
Our only guess is that this is some government conspiracy aimed at tarnishing Chipotle’s good name, a name the public already associates with reliably awful shits. It’s unfair, it’s wrong, and Taco Bell, Inc. is going on record to support Chipotle and wish you guys a speedy recovery.
From one vaguely Mexican food corporation to another: we stand with you, Chipotle.
Uh, guys? We think you‘re gonna like it here…
Images via Sprat Designs and Shutterstock.