This morning, we, the Taliban, announced that Mawlawi Haibatullah Akhundzada will take over as our new leader. Yeah, it’s only been four days since our former leader, Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour was killed in a drone strike and YEAH, we know this is fast. Do you know how many guys in the Taliban want to be the head of the Taliban? 100% of the guys in the Taliban. This was…the easiest thing we’ve ever had to do.

When Mansour was killed on Saturday it really threw everyone for a loop. And then literally one day later we had 30,000 applications for the Taliban leader position. The first day we just weeded out the applications written in blood – we’re running an organization here, not a Wiccan orgy. After that we really had our pick of tremendously qualified people. When you talk about the top psychopaths in the world, you’re talking Taliban, so the hardest part of this whole process was not being able to give everyone the job.

Do you have any idea what the perks of being Taliban leader are? Let’s just say that when you’ve got 60,000 jihadists ready to do your bidding, it’s not hard to get your hands on a cronut. The Taliban leader could get Hamilton tickets to-MORROW if he wanted to. He just wouldn’t be able to actually…go. Oh, and uh, when we behead someone, guess who picks the knife?? Yeah, dude. This job is fucking awesome.


So go ahead, hit us with another drone strike, send in the SEALs, do what you gotta do. We have no shortage of nutjob fundamentalists so devoted to waging war according to strict Sharia law that the long hours and administrative headaches don’t even put them off.

Also the leader gets to rename the wifi network, which is so fun.

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