To My Butler Team:
First I’d like to formally deny your request to be referred to as assistants. “Assistants” implies that you are aiding me, which you are not. I believe I made my stance on ‘help’ very clear at the Grammy’s when I declared, “I did this. Me. Who are these guttersnipes behind me? Remove them from my stage.” No, you are butlers for you do not assist, you merely execute my express wishes. On that note, Social Media Butler, please tell the Internet that I, Taylor Swift, have in fact not been changed by fame but indeed can be very casual.
It has been brought to my attention that some skeptics believe me to be manufactured, overly polished and even un-fun. To combat that perception, I generally turn to Instagram. You may have seen the recent, candid vacation photos I posted featuring myself and Love Butler – ah, I mean Calvin Harris. My boyfriend. Calvin. The male toward whom I feel great affection. Here are the aforementioned photographs I captured with Mr. Harris:
These casual, un-staged, un-Photoshopped images of my life should resonate with all people as accessible and, what is the phrase, chilly? Ah, yes, cool. I am the prototypical every-girl. I write songs about being rejected for hotter women and feeling sad or bullied. And these photos should be working to solidify that public image. But some have said they feel these images seem staged or, worse, unrelatable.
My relatability is my single greatest asset. I am renonwend for hosting casual girls’ nights with female friends such as Karlie Kloss, Selena Gomez and whichever Jenner is most advantageous. I cuddle with my animatronic I MEAN REAL CAT. I am she and she is me and we are all together. If I am not the walrus, I am nothing.
So I would like you to please, convey to the Internet, via whatever channels you see fit, that I am in fact a highly casual person. Remind them of my tendency to perform un-choreographed, spontaneous dances when music is played. Remind them that, from time to time, I wear sweatpants and make crumbs on them. I occasionally pass gas. I menstruate. Please, remind them of this. Remind them of why they love me. I am girl.
Your Boss Taylor Swift