Last night, Ted Cruz and his wife sat down with CNN’s Anderson Cooper for a town hall interview. A lot of, umm, interesting things were said. But the biggest bombshell occurred when Senator Cruz cleared his throat, grasped his wife’s hand and admitted that in 2016 he finally, “learned how to go potty all by myself.”
Much of the crowd gasped, and several supporters stood and applauded in their tinkle covered khakis. The potential Republican nominee’s story of learning to, “tell adults when he needs to go” and “holding it” and “being a big boy” was a revolution for supporters and opponents. Attack ads in several key states will now need to pulled, much like Teddy learned to pull down his big boy pants and “aim for the ocean.”
Senator Cruz made sure to mention that this accomplishment will save his campaign millions in “Huggies Pull Up Trainers.” Even his critics will now have a hard time saying he’s not ready to be president of the most powerful country in the world, now that he doesn’t make fudge or lemonade in his own shorts. For now Senator Cruz will continue to be rewarded with Gushers Fruit Snacks when he makes like a big boy, but Heidi plans to phase that out soon.