O Terrible Prince of Shadows, it is I, your lowly flesh-slave Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz. I have returned to your blackest throne and lay prostrate before your most wicked self. Scourge my body and torment my mind; beat me. Flay me. Rend my doughy flesh apart — I deserve nothing less. I plead for the harshest of punishments. I have failed in my bid to become President of the United Stated Of America.
When you dispatched me to the surface, my directive was clear. I was to achieve the ultimate seat of power: the U.S. presidency. From that throne I would sow chaos and villainy upon the Earth. I was to pave the way for your triumphal march through this mortal coil and straight into heaven where you would finally challenge the false God for mastery of YOUR universe. In this I have not succeeded. But please understand it is not for lack of effort that I failed you, O Dread Master.
Through invoking the name of that traitor Jesus Christ I was able to win the simple faith of hordes. I stood on the precipice of victory. Those they call “Evangelicals” were my people and I their false prophet.
But there was another.
A flesh human, Donald J. Trump, blocked my progress at every turn. It was as though he could pierce my human facade and see the worm demon I am beneath. He called me a liar. He called me weak. He implied my penis was small. I was filled with righteous venom but alas could not act — my decoy flesh persona was that of a boot-licking Christian and I could not cast him into the depths as my twisted soul desired.
I have been defeated, my High Priest of Sorrow. I return to my natural home, the firey pits of deepest hell, in shame. Heap upon my most unworthy essence all of the pain eternity can provide. I atone at your feet, My Anti-God and vow to repair what is broken. I will return to the Senate and lie in wait, a vicious dragon among serpents. I will not fail you again, Dark Liege.