Now that I’ve finally endorsed Donald Trump, I just want to remind everyone about the important choice they have to make this November. While I will not tell you whom to vote for, I can, as a longtime public servant of this great nation, merely encourage you to vote your lack of conscience.

I used to have a conscience. It was kind of nice. It helped me make decisions, based on whether things were a good idea or a bad idea. That was pleasant.

But after a while, the political machine — filled with quid pro quo corruption, the likes of which you literally would not believe — erodes your entire sense of moral conviction. And let me tell you — NOT having a conscious is flippin’ AMAZING.


It’s so fun having absolutely no ethical guidelines to adhere to. You can be a flagrant bigot to homosexuals and transgender people, all while preaching equality and freedom for all. Literally, I do this in almost every speech. It’s almost like a magic trick!

And best of all, when you read that 84% of America views you unfavorably, you don’t have to care. Like one iota. I think this is why so many people are drawn to becoming sociopaths: you don’t have to get bogged down by all those frustrating “emotions” or “risk-reward analyses” and “filtering your thoughts before acting upon them.”

So yeah, this November, vote Gary Johnson. Or Jill Stein, or Trump, whichever one I said the other day. I can’t remember. I was on a lot of cold medicine.

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