According to an analysis from the Centers for Disease Control released this week, America’s birthrate amongst teenagers has fallen to an all time low — in some demographics by nearly 50% since 2006. “That’s cuz eating ass don’t make no baby,” laughs not-pregnant teen Brylen, brushing her purple bangs from her field of vision before sarcastically adding “ah-doyee.”

Not even bothering to look up from his phone, Brylen’s boyfriend Trevie agrees. “Yeah. Ass” he mumbles, as if those are the only two words he’s capable of saying.

A scene from HBO's Girls, a very popular show amongst teens.

A scene from HBO’s Girls, a very popular show amongst teens.


Experts point to the broader access today’s teens have to a variety of contraception methods as a possible cause for the statistical drop, as well as shift in social norms wherin the pressure to have sex at a young age has lessened. But Brylen, Trevie, and the carefree, curious teens vaping outside the juice bar downtown have a different theory.

“From TV shows like HBO’s Girls, to popular songs like Omarion’s “Post To Be,” ass-eating is all around us. I mean, what’re we going to do, not try it?” Brylen shrugs, passing her Pax 2 pen to Rae, who has dyed her hair grey even though she is not even in her 20’s.

Rae’s boyfriend, also named Rae, speaks up. “Plus that shit don’t make no baby.”

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