Geoff Garlock is a grown adult man who knows a LOT about heavy metal, but NOTHING about pop culture.
1. She’s a person? Am I supposed to know who she is? I guess we’re talking about her so she must be someone. But you didn’t make up that name?
2. Wait is she like the host of a show on the E! Network? That makes sense to me. Or maybe some show on HGTV like Flip It Or Rip It or That’s Not MY Bathroom! No? Well then who the hell is she?
3. SHE HAD A NUMBER ONE DEBUT RECORD ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS?! Get out of here. So she’s a singer? I’m guessing she’s a singer then? None of this sounds right.
4. Wait was she an actress also? Was she on some show called iCarly or something? I think I’ve heard my nieces talk about that show?
5. iCarly is a real show? And she WAS on an episode? It doesn’t sound real. I didn’t make that up? Is it old or new? I mean I guess it doesn’t matter. Do I maybe know more about her than I think I do? No. No. That must have been a lucky guess. Right?
6. Her favorite pet. I mean at this point you can tell me anything about her and I am not sure I’ll believe it. Because I am still not sure she exists. Cat, dog, mini pig, copperhead snake. All the same to me.
7. She definitely exists. Again… I feel like I’m suffering memory loss here. A very specific memory loss that revolves around some person named “Ariana Grande.”
8. People compare her to Britney Spears. Whatever weirdo. Now you are telling me people still talk about Britney Spears.
9. PEOPLE STILL TALK ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS? What kind of world is this? It’s not me right? It’s everyone else… right?
10. At this point literally anything. I’m not sure what to believe in the world anymore. You know when you think you know what’s going on right? You think you have a handle on this whole thing we call life and then… BAM. Ariana Grande shows up. And she’s not on HGTV?
Geoff Garlock is a writer in NYC who teaches sketch comedy at the UCB. You can sample his wares at UCB’s monthly show, “Night Late” or @GGarlock.