Nothing is more invigorating than getting extremely angry at someone on the internet, which is why we purposely created “Kara Goldberg,” a fake author who dislikes everything you love. Can you feel your blood boiling? Good. We don’t like it either.
Hello. My name is Kara Goldberg and I hate Bruce Springsteen. Inexplicably, everyone loves Bruce, but he’s not a good musician and people are stupid for liking him. Point-by-point, I am going to tell you why.
Point: He Takes Advantage of American Nationalism
Bruce is a smart guy. He wouldn’t have lasted this long in the music industry if he wasn’t. He knows how the way to make money is by squeezing every last red, white, and blue drop out of America’s obsessive patriotism.
It boggles my mind when millenials say they “LOVE” Bruce Springsteen. What do you love about him? Does it make you nostalgic for those good ol’ days you weren’t even alive for? Does it make you yearn for the the 1970’s, when cars were American made and everyone was being sent to die in Vietnam?
He knows his demographic and will do anything to pander to them. The main people who like his music are dads from New Jersey who still listen to CDs, and guys who still wear “I’m the Big Dog” t-shirts. And Bruce is turning them upside down and shaking every last penny out of their cargo shorts.
I’m glad Springsteen enjoys glorifying this defunct American factory culture, but I guess he forgot about the reason why Americans don’t make anything anymore and it’s because every other country makes better, safer cars for less money.
Calm down, Bruce. We get it. (Image via Popmatters)
Point: “The Boss”
If a friend of mine said “Hey, Kara. Start calling me ‘The Boss,’” I would reply, “We are not friends anymore.” Oh God what puffed-up arrogance. What is he “the Boss” of, being a self-obsessed megalomaniac? I’ve dated some drummers so I know musicians require an unusually excessive amount of ego-stroking, but this is just above. That nickname is narcissism in its most distilled form.
It’s also Bruce Springsteen AND the E Street Band. Guess THE BAND (which I believe is the people who, I dunno, play all the music?), gets practically zero credit. Good job being a team player. Bruce Springsteen is the Julius Caesar of rock and roll.
(SIDE NOTE: Clarence Clemons was the greatest goddamn saxophonist in history and I will disprove anyone who says otherwise.)
Weird, I didn’t know it took FIVE GUITARISTS to play ONE SONG.
Point: He is Not. A Good. Singer.
This is not a joke, this is a real story that actually happened: the first time I heard “Born to Run” I thought it was a recording of a drunk dad doing an impression of Bruce Springsteen. I had to physically take off my earphones because his singing was so off-key. HE IS OFF-KEY. Is anyone LISTENING to Bruce Springsteen or are they just all mesmerized by his tiny, gyrating jean-soaked butt?
I listened to- what’s that album called, Born in America? USA Time? God Bless America Farts? Whatever it’s called, it’s obvious it was made before Auto-Tune existed. I’m a huge Bob Dylan fan – who was never seen as a classically “good” singer – so I can handle some wonky vocals for the sake of style. But this vibrato. Oh this vibrato. Bruce Springsteen must have seen that one Looney Tunes episode where Bugs Bunny dresses up like Brunhilde and went, “Yes. That is what I’ll do.” It sounds like he’s having a seizure. Is he having a seizure? Unless you’re a New Jersey high school student blasting “Born in the U.S.A.” from their car the last week of senior year, there is NO excuse for listening to this garbage.
And sure, he can play the guitar. But everyone can play the guitar. The kid down the hall freshman year of college could play guitar. Give me five minutes and the internet, and I could play the guitar.
Point: Oh God, The Lyrics
Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I’m on fire
Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do to you the things that I do
I can take you higher
I’m on fire
Um… go to jail?
HEY LITTLE GIRL IS YOUR DADDY HOME?? Bruce is asking a CHILD if her father molests her and immediately boasts that he himself will be BETTER at molesting her than her dad. HAS ANYONE HEARD THIS SONG? I KNOW THEY HAVE BECAUSE THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY 10000000 UKULELE COVERS OF IT ON YOUTUBE.
Disregarding the blatant pedophilia, if you take a good look at all his lyrics – which I recently had the unfortunate task of doing – every single song is about broken hearts and cool cars. How original. I don’t feel an ounce of sympathy for this straight white guy or why he’s so whiny about the “Badlands,” which I can only assume is a mall parking lot in Newark.
And I know his lyrics are hackneyed and unoriginal because his top two songs HAVE THE SAME TITLE. “Born to Run” and “Born in the USA” are like two words away from being the same. Do you know any other descriptors other than “Born,” Bruce? I can get you a thesaurus if you want. A thesaurus? It’s like a book that contains synonyms to other words so you don’t use the same ones over and over again. A book? It’s a collection of words printed on paper that string together for people to read. Reading? It’s like… oh forget it.
Point: Every Song Sounds the Same.
If I wanted to listen to the same song over and over again, my iPod has a button that accomplishes that. But if you’re curious, here’s the formula so you can make your OWN Bruce Springsteen song right at home!
RECIPE FOR ANY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SONG:
1 single Fender chord progression
1 male working-class hero
4 chords (no more than that, wouldn’t want the song to get too dynamic)
Mix together then dump a bunch of harmonica in there and you’ve got yourself literally every Bruce Springsteen song. Add bandanas to taste. Serves millions, will satisfy none.
Point: In Conclusion
I still can’t tell the difference between “I’m On Fire” and the jingle for Bagel Bites.
That thing you love? I hate it. Bruce Springsteen is no exception.