Nothing is more invigorating than getting extremely angry at someone on the internet, which is why we purposely created “Kara Goldberg,” a fake author who dislikes everything you love. Can you feel your blood boiling? Good. We don’t like it either.
Hello. My name is Kara Goldberg and I hated The Lego Movie. Shockingly, everyone loved it, but it’s a bad movie and people are stupid for liking it. Point-by-point, I am going to tell you why.
Point: It Wanted Me To Like It
From that Nyan Cat rip-off character to the quirky Abraham Lincoln references, this movie was DESPERATE for me to like it. It’s sugary, it’s twee, it’s overly-optimistic. And it looooves being that way. “But Kara, why are you being such a grouch about the movie being so nice?” Because I don’t buy it. It’s a ploy. Warner Brothers didn’t make The Lego Movie to inspire kindness and joy in others. It made The Lego Movie to make money. Lots of money. If you truly believe Warner Brothers cares about anything other than the bottom line, you’re as dumb as this scene.
Here’s my impression of the executive who made The Lego Movie:
“Hmm… what will make people like this movie? I know, put Batman in it. People think that liking Batman is so special and nerdy. Oh, oh! Let’s add cameos by The Green Lantern and other comic book characters so the trolls will give us a good review on SpoiledTomatoes Dot Com!!!!”
I mean, just look at the cast: the producers all sat around at a table and thought, “Hm… which celebrities is everyone obsessed with? You know, the ones everyone is making single-serving Tumblrs of on the internet?” I mean for chrissakes they put Morgan Freeman in it. Chris Pratt, Will Ferrell, and Elizabeth Banks, are you kidding me? They are PANDERING TO YOU. If you liked this movie it’s because you were too dumb to see that it’s because Warner Brothers pumped it full of PROCESSED WHITE POP-CULTURE SUGAR and shoved it down your throat. It’s a sheisty, money-hungry move and I saw right through it.
Cats + Unicorns + Legos + Batman + Ghosts + Pirates + Astronauts = $$$$$$$!!!!
The whole world went crazy for The Lego Movie, and The Lego Movie couldn’t be happier about it. Right now the producers of this film are all jerking themselves off in their jacuzzis, putting on face lotion made from stem cells, and cackling at all of us.
The Lego Movie is what happens when you take Toy Story 2 and cut its balls off. Toy Story at least had some darkness and depth to it. Woody has a beautifully developed character with jealousy and control issues. As opposed to the protagonist in this monstrosity…
Point: Emmet. Dear God.
Emmet is, literally, a dumb piece of brick with no redeeming qualities. Why am I supposed to like him? Why? Please tell me, because as far as I can see, he has done nothing but NOTHING to deserve my support. Oh, people are mean to him, you say? People are mean to everyone. Maybe there’s a REASON everyone in the Lego universe is mean to Emmet, you ever think of that? Why did we just assume that literally everyone else in this world is wrong and Emmet is right? Emmet is bad at his job and a non-contributing member of society. You know what happens when we encounter that person in the real world? Republicans scorn them and call them a freeloader who’s taking advantage of welfare.
We like Emmet for the same reasons we like dogs: because they don’t have opinions that might force us to think about anything. Trust me, I would have preferred watching a Dalmatian take a poo.
Point: It’s An Ad
This movie is a 2-hour-long commercial that they made you PAY to watch. Congratulations, you fell for it.
Point: You Hear The Celebrities, Not the Characters
I’m not a martian. I understand that you need celebrities to sell your movie. None of these actors even tried changing their voices even the TINIEST of bits.
Every time Emmet spoke I pictured Chris Pratt wearing a baseball cap talking into a microphone in a glass booth. I could feel Elizabeth Banks turning the pages of her script as she read the dialogue. It made the characters completely unbelievable and prevented me from immersing myself in the film. Same deal with the rest of them. They made no effort whatsoever to change their voices, only FURTHER proving my point that the directors of the movie WANTED people to know, so badly, that they had “cool” celebrities in their movie.
Point: I Liked The Lego Movie Better When It Was Called The Matrix
We’ve seen this story a hundred times. Average white man has an average white life when one day, a woman comes from out of nowhere and tells him he’s special and so he goes off with her to save the world from imminent danger, ultimately finding out that he’s better than everyone at everything even though 24 hours ago he was a total bozo, and then saves the world and gets the girl at the end as his “prize.” Bravo, Warner Brothers. How original. Please, take my money. What writing. What imagination.
This movie doesn’t just take its ideas from The Matrix. The Lego Movie steals its Will Ferrell villain character from OTHER WILL FERRELL VILLAIN CHARACTERS.
Oh crap, it’s Thursday and we forgot to come up with a character for Will Ferrell!! Ahh!! Let’s just recycle the exact same roles he’s already done. NO ONE WILL NOTICE.
(Image via Warner Brothers, Paramount)
This movie made me smile once. When it finally ended. It’s a re-hashed, fluffy version of The Matrix. And to prove this point even further, I give you:
Point: Trinity Syndrome
Point: In Conclusion
Everything is NOT awesome.
That thing you love? I hate it.