1, GREMLINS

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Synopsis: Instead of getting a real job and making some money to support his family, a loveable, but terrible, inventor basically steals a creature from a shop in China Town to give his son for Christmas.  The “gift” is a pet that comes with 3 important rules that have pretty severe consequences when disobeyed.

Most Anti-holiday moment: Phoebe Cates’ insane monologue about her dad’s Santa related death (especially worthwhile for Gizmo’s reaction to it.  I mean, he’s a creature that multiplies in water, turns into an evil monster if fed after midnight, AND can’t stand bright lights AND HE CAN’T FU**ING BELIEVE THAT STORY!)

You May Also Enjoy: The Nightmare Before Christmas – it’s not just for the goth girl at Hot Topic.

2. RARE EXPORTS

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Synopsis: A group of Reindeer herders find all their reindeer slaughtered…a young boy wants to prove to his dad that he’s a man…Oh, and a team of scientists nearby have just unearthed a huge block of ice that acted as a prison/grave for Santa Claus, who’s actually a terrifying HUGE monster that punishes children who are naughty? Oh, this movie also explains where Mall Santas come from so… 

Most Anti-Holiday Moment: Santa’s helpers (read: naked old men) attack our heroes and chase them like a giant herd of penis-out creeps.

You May Also Enjoy: The Monster Squad – A group of kids realize it’s up to them to rid their town of Monsters.  Think “The Goonies” except instead of the Fratellis, sub in Dracula, the Wolfman, The Creature from the Black Lagooon, the Mummy, and Frankenstein.

3. BLACK CHRISTMAS 

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Synopsis: A sorority starts getting lewd phone calls that sound like they’re from Regan in “the Exorcist”.  Before long, a killer is in the house and he’s not there to get a date.

Most Anti-Holiday Moment: The Christmas unicorn ornament stabbing.  Mostly because it’s covered up by the sound of Carolers.  One more reason to hate those fucking people.

You May Also Enjoy: “When a Stranger Calls” (’79) – a babysitter is stalked by someone who keeps calling and asking “Have you checked the children”. So he’s either a murdering psycho or just checking in on how the babysitting is going.

4. JACK FROST

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Synopsis: A Murderer is freed on his way to his execution when the truck transporting him crashes into…you guessed it…A genetic research truck containing an acid that binds with human chromosomes allowing us to be resurrected…typical Monday.  The murderer then becomes a snowman that spends 90 minutes killing all the residents of

Snomonton (yup).

Most Anti-Holiday Moment: The snowman rapes Shannon Elizabeth in a bathtub while murdering her.  He then turns to her dead body and says “Looks like Christmas came early”, puts his carrot back on his face (you know where it was), and smokes a pipe.


You May Also Enjoy: “Don’t Open Until Christmas” – A serial killer decides to target people who dress as Santa.  Ever want to see a mall Santa get castrated? Look no further!

5. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT

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Synopsis: After witnessing the death (at the hands of a man dressed as Santa Claus) of his parents, 5 year old Billy is sent to an orphanage with his baby brother. As one might suspect, he’s developed…kind of a problem with Santa. Cut to an 18 year old Billy working at a toy store…and wouldn’t you know it, the manager wants him to dress as Santa…

Most Anti-Holiday Moment:
When the wrong Santa (turns out to be a deaf priest trying to delight children Christmas morning) is shot and killed in front of all the children in the orphanage…Merry Christmas!

You May Also Enjoy: Silent Night Deadly Night 2 – because you know Ricky (Billy’s younger brother) is also messed up from the stuff that happened in part 1…kids, man.

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Synopsis: Angela leaves her work in NYC late on Christmas Eve (is Scrooge her boss?) and finds herself locked in the garage. But Angela’s not alone!  There’s one other person in the garage (ONE other person in a garage in MANHATTAN) AND it just so happens to be the lonely security guard who’s been watching her every day.  Watching, Waiting. Waiting, watching. Meanwhile across the country in LA, Argyle from Die Hard is handling being locked in a parking garage much better…

Most Anti-Holiday moment:  The killer puts on Silent Night and Angela wakes up and realizes A. She’s been drugged B. She’s been changed into a revealing dress and heels and C. She’s about to forced to have dinner with Wes Bentley.  Noooooooo!

You May Also Enjoy: Tales from the Crypt: All Around the House – A Season 1 episode where a mental patient dressed as Santa terrorizes a not so innocent Mary Ellen Trainor.

7. INFINITE SANTA 8000

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Synopsis: In the year 8000, the world is a post apocalyptic wasteland (as you’d assume) and the only survivors are mutants, robots, monsters, and…well, a cyborg, blade-wielding, jetpack wearing, machine gun blasting, ass-kicking Santa Claus. Santa fights daily and he eats what he kills.  I smell a new Christmas Carol.

Most Anti-Holiday Moment: Santa, machines guns in hand, begins blasting away at a bunch of mutants while screaming “I’ll trim the tree with your brains”.

You May Also Enjoy: Infinite Santa: the Web Series.  That’s where this baby started out.  After gaining a cult following, the creators wrote a new storyline and made the feature.

8. SANTA’S SLAYsantasslay2

Synopsis: Santa is actually a demon from hell who lost a bet and had to behave for a 1000 years, but now that times up and he can go back to killing everyone in the town of Hell, Canada.  Oh, and he’s played by wrestler, Goldberg… 

Most Anti-Holiday Moment: Santa busts through a chimney and graphically (but goofily) kills an entire shitty family including Fran Drescher, who he drowns in egg nog…but who can blame him?

You May Also Enjoy: The Leprechaun series.  Another evil holiday spirit murders people in between one-liners.

Matt Catanzano is a horror movie junkie AND writer, director, and actor for the Above Average partner channel “Simply Unemployable.” You can find him on twitter @mattcatanzano

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