♫ The Candy Man can
cause he mixes it with love
and makes the world taste good ♫

The Candy Man either killed my wife. Or he knows who did.

Let me explain. The Candy Man, and the Candy Man alone, knows what happened to my wife in the fall of 1984. I was in Prague when I got the call that my wife had been found dead at our home on the Upper West Side. She was surrounded by lollipops, peanut brittle and several tootsie rolls. Oh, and blood. Lots of blood. Not fake sugary blood, real cooper-tasting blood. I am not saying the Candy Man is definitively responsible for Caroline’s death but he knows what happened that night.

The Candy Man can

The Candy Man and I had met the summer before. He was a friend of my younger sisters’. Eccentric to be sure, but I thought he was ultimately a good guy. He wore a bright pink striped suit, a top hat and carried a rock candy cane. True to his name, his pockets were always filled to the brim with sweets of all shapes and sizes. Quick to hand out to those both young and old. And sure, he dealt a little cocaine, but it was the 80s. When the police looked for him however, he was nowhere to be found. He was in the wind, like someone coughing up pixie stick dust.

The Candy Man can


I’ve tracked down relatives, grade-school teachers, former lovers and no one has a finger on his current whereabouts. What happened that night that made him flee with such immediacy and hide so deeply? Is someone after him? Someone with ill intent? The only clue he left behind was a nonsensical children’s song about himself. You may have heard it before. In fact, it became quite popular. Why it is being taught in schools and sung by children – I have no idea. It’s morbid.

The Candy Man can

On that night, the Candy Man must have seen the twizzler wrapped around her neck. He must have seen the Jujubes crammed into her mouth to muffle her screams. He must know who tied her up with a nerd ropes. The Candy Man can tell me what happened… and I need to know.

Anyway, I hope you’ll consider me for the job at Costco. You did say to, “Tell Us A Little About Yourself.”

Best,
Brandon McScrufferson

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.