The iPhone 8 is a real game changer.

Yesterday, Apple held a huge press conference to unveil the iPhone’s sleek new design: a phone without a headphone jack, buttons, or even a screen. Executives have been boasting that the iPhone 8 is their most aerodynamic phone yet.

After the presentation was finished, reporters flooded Apple CEO Tim Cook with a barrage of queries on this new and unconventional update.

In response to questions on how the iPhone 8 would be usable if it had no buttons or screen, Cook chuckled and replied: “You don’t ‘use’ the iPhone 8. The iPhone 8 uses you.” This statement did not actually answer the question, but it was intriguing and ominous enough that all the reporters wrote it down anyway.


So sleek!

In spite of the iPhone 8 having no screen, it will be made entirely of glass. If you touch it directly or look at it for too long, it will completely shatter into dust. Apple has said that this is a “minor bug” that they’re “working on.”

The iPhone 8 lacks any kind of buttons, screen, or phone functionality—it is essentially just an extremely expensive, extremely breakable glass rectangle that’s too big to fit in any of your pockets. Apple is expecting their highest profit margin ever.

In addition to launching the iPhone’s new design, Apple also revealed the iPhone’s updated slogan: “We know you’ll buy any garbage we put out. Come get it, you pigs.”

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