Welcome to the Costa Muertos Timeshare Resort, located in beautiful, tropical Aruba. We hope you enjoy your stay and want to make sure every moment is as breathtaking as humanly possible. In order to provide the best experience possible, we ask you to follow a few simple Costa Muertos rules for the maximum relaxation you can achieve.

1. No horseplay, running, loud noise, excessive carrying on or roustabouts by the pool. We are all trying to enjoy our tropical experience, and there is nothing about screaming that says, “Hey we are in a paradise built on dreams.”

2. Please enjoy our brand new swim-up bar, Tropical Tradewinds, and all its island delicacies. But please, no drinks in the pool. We understand that sort of defeats the purpose of having a swim-up bar. We have allotted a 2-foot by 1-foot area located near the Fryalator known as the “Fun Zone,” to serve all of your drinking and carousing needs. Speaking of which, be sure to try our deep-fried Mystery Poppers, new to the resort this year. Please keep these to the enjoyment corral as well.

3. Please no splashing. Pool water is very expensive, and we are running at a loss. All pool water lost by your party will have a modest surcharge of 5 dollars an ounce, which shall be charged, to your room for your convenience.

4. Do not make eye contact with the lizards. We are working on eradicating them, currently to no avail. So until our plan is working better, keep your eyes to yourself. Speaking of the lizards, the feral marmosets, which were let loose for the lizard problem, are now their own type of problem. Best to just ignore them and go about with your fun day. Continue having fun and keep the line between human and animal clearly delineated for your own safety.

5. As of this writing, we have experienced a military junta. Until our government is established, just assume martial law is in effect. Continue to enjoy pool aerobics and complimentary Zumba at 10 am, but pick up your trash and be sure your family is not kidnapped and sold off into the human trafficking trade. It is now rampant and nothing can be done to appease our new masters except utter compliance.

6. Things have changed since the aforementioned rule. It may be a small island but life still moves quickly here. Almost as quick as Xzartoonox, the ancient elder god who we unearthed by the beach volleyball nets, in order to save us from this terrible bloody military regime. We have paid in blood and now must suffer for our ways. But we are not going to hell just yet, so please make sure to put your dirty towels in the bathtub. And most importantly….

7. Have fun! The world is now choking on its last breaths and we are going to pay for all of our sins. So like our new lord and master Xzartoonox always says “Say hello to the winds and they will greet you with the blood of the martyrs. And make sure you tip your maids”. Thank you. And may god have mercy on our souls.

Geoff Garlock is a writer in NYC who teaches sketch comedy at the UCB. You can sample his wares at UCB’s monthly show, “Night Late” or @GGarlock.

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