Vaping is one of the best things to do in New York City if you’re a struggling artist looking to make a good impression on your cool hipster friends.
Here are seven of the coolest vapeheads in my up-and-coming Bushwick neighborhood:
1. Shonda La Ferme
Shonda works at the Zen Taco Dojo around the block on 28th and Hartwell.
She walks her small dog every morning and takes a big puff of her vape device in front of my bedroom window. Every day, the box fan sucks the vape cloud into my room and wakes me up into a world of hate.
2. Donald Smear
Donald runs a small-sized bakery on top of a pull-out couch on 8th and Flushing, and sells half-bagels with no butter or jelly.
He’s a super hot vape boy because he also utilizes his hat to store vapecessories (pictured above).
3. Monica Rango AKA “The Riz”
Monica is a student at the local liberal arts pop-up academy on 96th and Worst St.
She’s usually in the park blowing her vape smog into the mouths of other vapesters and/or homeless maniacs, hoping to spread her love of shining white sickness mist to the world at large.
4. Giant John
John is a Steampunk Oracle based out of the Empanada shop between Front St and 46th Avenue.
I see John everyday at 4:30pm for spiritual advice. He activates his cyber-cigar every few seconds to maintain a constant atmosphere of scentless vaporized cancer in the room.
5. Helvetica Jones
Helvetica is a trailblazing Vapester-rights vlogger based out of the converted water tower on top of my apartment complex on 28th and Pain St.
She leads E-Vape meet-ups from the rooftop, inviting hundreds of vapeheads to come over and compare vape-related Twitter hashtags via our local wifi router– this leaves me with no internet connection and no fresh air to breathe for entire nights at a time.
6. My Little Brother, Craig
Craig is my dipshit little brother who works at a consulting firm on Wall St and lives somewhere in dipshit Jersey City.
I only include him on this list because him and his old Sigma Nu bros said they’d kill my pet tortoise if I didn’t give them a “shout-out.”
He always brings his GPS-enabled Smog Wand to family gatherings, much to the chagrin of my Uncle Dave (lung-cancer survivor and local lawn darts legend).
7. Simon Cowell
Former American Idol magistrate Simon Cowell blows gigantic vape puffs from his Minion-crafted Scientology Stronghold on 1000th St b/w Grand and Cypress.
He is the lord of the futuristic Vapester nation, and reigns supreme over all of Bushwick with his 50 ft magical tobacco Wii-Mote.
In a public statement yesterday, Cowell said, “the rising popularity of the Vapester Nation has shown to the world that a Vaporizer truly is the coolest thing since cigarettes!”