It is the worst kept secret in the culinary and scientific communities that there are exactly 6 shrimp in every shrimp thing. Shrimp scampi, shrimp cocktail, the sriracha shrimp app at Applebee’s? 6 shrimp. A basket of fried shrimp and french fries at a major league ballgame? 6 shrimp. Shrimp and broccoli from your local Chinese takeout joint? You guessed it: 6 shrimp. Order any shrimp thing in any eatery in America and the result will be the same: you’ll find only 6 shrimp.
The evidence is staggering. There’s an entire website dedicated to the nutritional value of just six shrimp. An exhaustive search for a clear image of more than 6 cooked shrimp in one place yielded nothing. But who is dictating the amount of shrimp allowed in shrimp things? And why only six?
The simplest answer, of course, is the Illuminati. The Illuminati are the shadowy group of unfuckable old men who orchestrated 9/11, assassinated Kennedy and invented *67 to block caller ID. Or perhaps it’s Satanists interested in subliminally pushing the number of the beast on an unsuspecting populace? Let me ask you: who said they are two different things?
Now I bet some of you are probably thinking, “Hold on, why jump to this massive conspiracy? Are you sure there are 6 shrimp in every shrimp thing? What about a bisque? Or ceviche? How can one even tell how many shrimp are in such a thing?”
First, I’d like to congratulate you on asking the exact kind of questions they want you to ask. Keep doubting the puppet and you’ll never see the master. Second, I’ll say that with a strainer, a mold of the average shrimp and a little patience, it’s not impossible to pull apart a bisque or ceviche and reassemble the shrimps into their original form. I’ve done this countless times at seafood restaurants across the globe and the result is always the same.
The outlier, of course, is baby shrimp. first of all if you order a shrimp dish and get baby shrimp, throw that meal on the floor or in the trash. Better yet, throw it at your waiter. Then tell him or her, “When I get a massage, I don’t expect a baby to walk in the room. When I ask for wine, I don’t mean grape juice.” When you order a shrimp thing it should be adult shrimp or nothing at all. So, sure, there are shrimp things with more than 6 baby shrimp in them – congratulations, I guess you win.
Or do we all lose?