The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) is, as we all know, our nation’s favorite pastime. Stats and scores about the WNBA dominate our televisions, our social media accounts, and ultimately our lives.
But doesn’t it seem a little unfair that men aren’t allowed to play in WNBA? Most people seem to think that Americans don’t want to see men play basketball, but I think that is untrue. Here is the bottom line: 49.1% of people living in the United States are men. Sure, men are minority in the United States, but that’s still a pretty substantial audience that is currently not being tapped into.
Let’s be clear: I’m not saying men should join the WNBA: that would be absurd. I’m saying we should create a separate league for men to enjoy called the Men’s WNBA (or MWNBA for short) that’s filled with all male basketball players. The MWNBA would be just as great and cool as the WNBA, but instead of regular athletes there would be male athletes!
Of course, there would have to be some differences between the WNBA and the MWNBA to accommodate for the obvious differences between men and women. Here are some examples of how the MWNBA could be changed in order to better suit the needs of male players and to appeal to a male audience:
A slightly heavier basketball
Men in the MWNBA would use a slightly heavier ball than women in the WNBA because men are used to carrying their own testicular balls with them their entire lives.
Shorts with zippers in the front
If it’s one thing we know about men it’s that they love to pee out of their short zippers. A good zipper in the front of official MWNBA basketball shorts would give men easy access to pee during games, making use of their ample 2 extra minutes per quarter.
The players are covered in dirt
The MWNBA would benefit from a strong earthy musk to attract male viewers and showcase the masculine feel of this new version of basketball. Plus, I’m sure we could reach out to Tough Mudders as our first sponsorship.
The referee gets a gun
If there is gonna be a version of the WNBA made for men, you can be sure that the games will be more aggressive than the normal WNBA game. This is why every referee in the MWNBA will get a gun in order to maintain order on the court… or to amp things up when the game gets too slow!
So there you have it. It’s time to end this sexist charade implying that only women can be athletes. Let’s make history and begin the Men’s Women’s National Basketball Association once and for all.
Jeremy Kaplowitz is a comedian in NYC and the creator of Lizard People of New York. You can find his tweets @jeremysmiles before he deletes them out of shame.