I’m tired.

I’m tired of opening up my laptop every morning to find another instance of gun violence waiting to break my heart and make me feel less safe than I did the day before.

No two perpetrators of gun violence are the same. Christian. Muslim. Black. White. Man. Woman. They run the gamut of the human experience.

But they all share one commonality.


Think about it. Every single one of them has hands. Herein lies the crux of the problem. As long as there are hands, there will be gun violence. This is the great issue facing our nation.

Hand Inline

You cannot ask Americans to give up their guns. This is un-American. We have the right to bear arms. It says that. Right there on the paper. But there is no amendment that says we have the right to bear hands.

Guns are more important than hands. We know this to be true. But still some Americans do not have guns. These Americans can keep their hands. They have so little as it is, without guns in their lives. But the gun owners of America know that while they as human beings can be trusted, and while their guns can be trusted, no hands can be trusted. They are wildcards, uncontrollable chaotic wildcards. A peaceful society is possible, when gun owners of all walks of life put aside their differences to hold hands – er, push their nubs together – and sing in harmony.

It’s time to do the right thing, America. It’s time to sign legislation to get rid of hands once and for all. And when this becomes a reality, I hope someone will come to my house to share the good news. I haven’t moved much since I gave up my feet to prevent car crashes.

Sam Pasternack is a writer/producer living in New York City. He has written for McSweeney’s, Someecards, and a handful of talk shows you’ve never seen.  If that isn’t enough for you people, his Twitter handle is @SamPasternack.

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