Last month, I had a Christmas party a few days before Christmas. At some point during the night, this weird smiley guy in a sweater showed up. Nobody knew him. That was 13 days ago and he hasn’t left. He’s not causing any harm, per se, in fact he’s really cheerful and keeps the house nice. But he doesn’t talk, he just tiptoes around to different corners of my apartment and when he finds a spot he likes, he strikes a pose and smiles at me. I want to ask him to leave but there’s never an opening:
Yes, yes. An ornament. I see. Christmas is over, Smiley Sweater Man! Stop taking the ornaments out every time I put them away!! Yes, it’s very shiny. Yes, you polished it real nice. *sigh* Go ahead. Go sleep in the linen closet again.
You did a wonderful job wrapping, Smiley Sweater Man. Tight corners, pretty ribbons. But everybody’s gone. You can’t keep putting gifts under the big, dead tree. Also stop dragging in the big dead tree from the garbage! Yes, you stacked those very nicely, Sweater Man. Why don’t you go on and grab yourself another yogurt from the fridge.
Now you stoppit, Sweater Man. Stop flopping around my apartment like a pool noodle! Nobody wants you here, can’t you see that?? Go away! Go back to where you came from, Smiley Sweater Man!
I’m sorry, Smiley Sweater Man. You did a good thing. You’re a good sweater man. Yes, those flowers are lovely. Ha-ha, look at you go, Sweater Man. You’re a delight. You stay as long as you want now, you hear? You stay as long as you want…