Last Sunday, this super hot guy attended his friend’s kid’s second birthday party. While he was there, something truly amazing happened: the hot guy picked up a baby and held it for approximately 11 minutes.

“It was fucking incredible,” says Lisa Junne, one of the unmarried, childless women who was in attendance at Sunday’s celebration in Fort Greene. “Molly was like ‘Can you hold Ferdinand for a second?’ and this crazy hot guy was like ‘Sure.’ And then BOOM – he had a baby cradled in his arms. I mean, have you seen his arms? Have you seen them with a sleeping baby inside them?? Jesus FUCK I thought I was gonna pass out.”

Even Seth, the baby’s father and Caleb’s much less hot friend, was floored by the stunning and marvelous picture of his child being held by such an already-hot guy. “I almost wanted to give him my baby. I mean, I hold Ferdinand every day and night, feed him, change him, put him to sleep, tell him I love him. But I’m not hot, so it’s like, meh, what’s the point?”


Seth just isn’t hot enough to warrant holding a baby.

“CAN YOU IMAGINE HIS SMELL COMBINED WITH THE SMELL OF THAT BABY??” screamed a woman in the upstairs bathroom, where she’d retreated to dunk her head in the sink.

The hot guy, whose name is Caleb, says he never expected Sunday to turn out quite so well for him. “I mean, usually things go great for me, but not that crazy great. Or…well, I dunno. I guess my life is amazing like, half the time?”

As Caleb The Hot Guy walked down Cumberland Street, fastening his APC pea coat around his orgasm-shaped body, party-goers looked after him and shook their heads in wonder. “I’ll never forget him,” sniffled Amanda, a woman within four days of her period’s start day.

“It’s funny,” Caleb said, pulling a pack of American Spirits out of the top pocket of his grandfather’s denim work shirt, “I don’t even really like kids.”

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