Sweetheart, I know you had wanted a puppy for a long, long time, and I saw how happy you were when I gave you this little guy here. You were just beaming when I brought him in to meet you. I put a little bow on his head since it was your birthday, and you said I was the best dad ever. Since then, we’ve started him a little Instagram account to document all of his adorable antics, and the account has gotten really popular.
Well, honey, I’m sorry but I have some bad news: This puppy is breaking the internet, so we’ll have to put him down. Now, darling, don’t start crying. We simply don’t have a choice. The internet simply cannot handle the way he tries to howl with you as you sing your favorite Katy Perry songs. The Web was not designed to accommodate this puppy wearing cute seasonal outfits. It’s buckling under the pressure. You can practically hear the internet cracking all around us.
Humanity just hasn’t yet developed the technology to support the way he teeters at the top of the stairs, running around too scared to come down. Let me tell you something, sugar: the internet is the single most important tool that the human race has developed since, I don’t know, probably the printed word. We can’t allow a puppy, much less our puppy, to bring it down.
I know he’s just a puppy, but he’s had a good life, right? He’s semi-Instagram famous. That’s more than you could say about me. We will remember him fondly as the puppy who broke the internet and gave his life to fix it.