If you’ve worked your way through Starbucks’ secret menu and are craving more loosely coffee-based magic, then you’ve got to demand an employee make you a Nutella cronut carrot cake coconut banana pina colada frappucino. This delectable beverage is made entirely out of ingredients Starbucks never carries, but Starbucks employees are at the mercy of your will and are required to do as you please.

The only thing better then how them how this dreamy beverage tastes is watching those suckers behind the counter scramble to get the drink together while you impatiently tap your foot and remind them that you’ve got to be on a call in ten minutes. If you’re lucky, they’ll go through a few cups worth of attempts at the right flavor profile, each time creating something unholy they’ve got to taste.

“We’re just not equipped to make that, and there’s a full menu of diverse coffee-based items you could choose from,” begged Starbucks employee Trip when I asked him to make the drink. But I wouldn’t back down, and quickly Trip broke down and admitted he had to do as I pleased. “Please, there’s a whole line of people here,” Trip pleaded, “But as you wish, ma’am.”

frappucino


The drink can take anywhere from three minutes to three hours to make depending on proximity of the nearest grocery store and how fast the employees are at sprinting. It’s worth the wait, especially because every ten minutes you can remind the employees how long you’ve been waiting and rack up complementary drink coupons for the next time you’re in the mood for a lil something sweet at the ‘bucks.

Finally, it’ll be time to try Starbuck’s holy grail of a beverage. And once you’re handed the cup, if a Starbucks employee dares spell your name wrong on the cup, yelp like a coyote and spike your cup on the counter so the contents explode all over the coffeehouse. Make sure to demand a redo and scream “I am a customer of Starbucks, and I demand a perfection!”


Gwynna Forgham-Thrift is a writer and comedian based in New York City. She writes for UCB’s Maude Night and Reductress, runs the tri-annual one hour Penn Station Area Sketch Festival with the Hubbies, and tweets at @gwynnaft. 

 

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