Hey, Dr. Palmer, Jan Simmons here, Bloomington, MN resident and long-time “problem-mouthed” patient of yours. This morning, I read about you spending $50K to lure a thirteen year-old lion named Cecil off of National Park land so that you could kill and behead him. Funny, I was just perusing water picks, after you scolded me and told me to “start treating [my] teeth with the care and respect they deserve,” but now that you’ve murdered a protected animal for sport I think I’ll pass.

I have an idea! Why don’t you take the “Free Oral Fun Kit” (disgusting name, btw) you give me after every appointment, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.  Then you can go strangle a panda. Or whatever it is you’re doing after four on Thursdays and all day Fridays. I’m not swishing with the alcohol-free, Listerine Total Care samples you pawn off on me like a chump. I won’t be guilted into excessive dental hygiene by a cold-blooded psychopath!

Y’know last April when you asked me how often I floss and I said “every night”?  I WAS LYING, Dr. Palmer. I floss max six times a year and most of the time it’s in my car on the way to your office. I may not be perfect, I may not have worn my retainer when I was fourteen which I’m “paying for in spades as a crooked-toothed adult” but y’know what I’m also not doing every night?? Skinning and decapitating beautiful animals.

Guess what’s going to happen to Cecil the lion’s six cubs. They’re going to be killed by the new male lion in the pride. It’s a domino effect. It’s sort of like when you told me that “missing one cleaning a year leads to cavities, which leads to root canals, which leads to a mouth full of problems for you and a pocket full of moolah for me, haha.” I suppose now I know what you  were using all that “moolah” for. That moolah is swimming in lion’s blood.

I have an appointment with you on Thursday to address the last of my molar cavities, which I intend to keep only because, despite what you may think, I care about my teeth. But when I rinse and you ask me to “spit gently” into that little sink, you better believe I’m gonna spit HARD. And it’s gonna get splashy and that bloody rinse water is gonna get alllll over your stupid shoes.  That bloody rinse water is for Cecil.

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