Watching March Madness with your buddies at home is awesome. Actually going to a game with your bros? SUPER AWESOME! Here are some sweet tips for how you and your posse can get the most out of your March Madness fan experience!
TIP #1: PAINT YOUR FACE
In the days of old, warriors would paint their faces before going into battle. Today, true March Madness fans do the same. Pick up some face paint for you and your bros and get your William Wallace on.
TIP #2: PAINT YOUR BODY
Why stop at the face? Get your buddies to strip off their shirts and let their chests be your canvas. Tat ‘em up (temporarily) with team colors, slogans, or whatever you can think of and start cheering.
TIP #3: RUB YOUR BODIES TOGETHER
Once you and your buds are shirtless and slathered in paint, why not try rubbing your bodies together? It’s a cool way to show team spirit and it might even feel good, you never know.
TIP #4: KISS
Nothing says March Madness like gazing deeply into your best bro’s eyes and tenderly kissing him on the lips. It feels strange because you two have been friends for so long… and yet at the same time so thrillingly right.
TIP #5: FALL TO THE FLOOR, DESPERATELY TUGGING AT EACH OTHER’S CLOTHES
You’ve never admitted it to yourself, but you have wanted this for so long, and now it is finally happening. Your hands move feverishly over your bro’s body, squeezing, caressing, pulling. You can’t wait any longer. You need him now, right here in the bleachers. TV cameras swivel to focus on you and your lover. Let them watch. Let the whole world watch. You’re done hiding.
TIP #6: PROPOSE
This isn’t lust. This is love. You’ve known it all along. Your best bro is the one you want to grow old with. Propose to him. It doesn’t even matter who wins or loses March Madness anymore… to be honest, you never really cared at all. It was only a pretense to spend more time with the man you love.
TIP #7: HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING
Marry your best friend and love of your life at a beautiful rustic barn in rural Pennsylvania. Your family and friends will be there and so happy to be a part of this joyous union. The guests will dance and drink and laugh until the sky turns pale in the first rays of early morning light. Everyone who is there will remember this forever as one of those rare, perfect nights when the warm summer air nearly seemed to hum with the electric beauty of life. This wedding was a slam dunk, bro.
TIP #8: RAISE CHILDREN
The greatest accomplishment in the life of any March Madness mega fan is to raise his children so that one day they may grow into better people than himself. In many ways this will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but the flood of feelings that will wash over you as you watch your son or daughter succeed in life will be almost as satisfying as watching your team take home a March Madness trophy.
TIP #9: SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR PARTNER
Life is so much richer when you share it with someone you love, so go ahead and grow old with your bro. Help him through the darkest times in his life and celebrate his victories. He will do the same for you. Your relationship will not always be easy, but you will eventually learn to trust that it is built on an unshakeable foundation of love. Listen to one another, keep a sense of humor and, above all else, be kind.
TIP #10: DIE
If you have followed these March Madness tips, you will have led a rich and rewarding life and there will be no sadness in your death. It is, after all, the natural way of things. We are all given only a short amount of time here; our task is to use it as best we can. Boom shaka laka!