Hey, Trader Joe’s, since you’re already recalling cashews, why don’t you do us a favor and also recall that damp, thick ‘sushi’ you peddle? Specifically the spicy California roll. You know the one, it’s in the tinted red container (which is ALL that differentiates it from the regular, un-spicy California roll). It’s truly the most dangerous thing in your store, including those dirty nuts, so do the right thing and get it off the shelves.
Maybe the T.J.’s sushi doesn’t contain salmonella but merely thinking about it has made me dry heave three different times this morning. I once shit my pants just walking past the ‘sushi’ section in your refrigerator aisle. Why? Because your ‘sushi’ consists of the world’s thickest rice coiled around 3 limp pieces of Polly-O String cheese painted pink to look like crabmeat. Garnish that mess with a piece of ginger flavored looseleaf paper and you have a Trader Joe’s spicy California roll.
Oh, also? YOUR ‘SUSHI’ IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS DAMP. Not wet. Not juicy. It’s damp, like a bath towel 20 minutes after you use it to dry off.
I firmly believe that there is a delicate, sub-tropical ecosystem established inside every box of TJ’s sushi. When you open a it you are most likely unleashing a new and terrible parasite only breeds in the conditions created by sealing Trader Joe’s sushi in plastic for several days. But sure, recall some party mix that will make you cramp up real bad. Leave the edible biospheres for all to enjoy.
Now, if I hate Trader Joe’s sushi so much, why don’t I just stop eating it? Uh, duh, because I’m a cheap sucker and can’t help myself. It’s $3 sushi – sushi from a weird bodega will run you minimum $5. So, yeah, I’m choke that shit down whenever possible. Every time I hit T.J.’s, I throw 6 of those bad boys in my basket along with $2 wine and some frozen crab cakes (breadcrumbs and mayonnaise). Look, I don’t care if my food isn’t scientifically food as long as it’s cheap and a cartoon mascot tells me to eat it. So please, for my sake, recall those spicy California rolls and apologize to the people of Japan. And my butt.