I’m hearing more and more these days that people think I am going to be influenced by Russia if I get elected as the Czar of the United State. I mean president.

I want to be absolutely clear: there is absolutely nyet truth to these rumors. Nyet truth at all.

And sure, my unorthodox hairstyle strongly resembles a dyed bear-fur hat from the Kremlin gift shop. And yes, Trump Grille now exclusively sells borscht in its taco bowls. And okay, all ATMs at my hotels now dispense rubles bearing Vladimir Putin’s sexy, sexy face on them instead of dollars.

But I promise you, comrades, that I, my running mate Mike Pence, and my Troika of grown children have the America’s interests, and only Mother America’s interests, in our hearts.

Okay? Does that clear things up? Shall we drink to it? Na Zdorovie!

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