Donald Trump finally caved to public pressure this morning, as advocacy groups managed to convince the Republican nominee to release his tax returns. Trump obliged by affixing his returns to the legs of a dozen doves that were subsequently released and are now flying out of sight to some unknown location.

“There, I’ve released them now, so let’s all move on,” said the presidential candidate. “John Woo releases a dozen doves in movies all the time, and people love it. I did the same with my tax returns, and it was gorgeous.”

“I could direct films, great film, award-winning films, absolutely,” added Trump, unprompted.


“That’s really all we wanted,” said community organizer Sandra McGree. “We did not want to scrutinize his W-2s for possible illegal activity, gross misreporting, or fraudulent paperwork of shady overseas shell corporations. We just wanted to know that [Trump’s tax returns] were somewhere out in the ether. And now they are. Case closed.”

Trump continued his day of releases by tossing his medical records into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean from his private helicopter, where they were eaten by a swarm of confused orcas.

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