Hey Liam. Taken 3 comes out this weekend, and this can’t be easy for you. This is the THIRD time in a row you’ve had a woman in your life “Taken” from you. And to top it all off, they got it all on camera. Yikes. I saw the video and I’m guessing your “particular set of skills” is “letting all the women in my life get captured and murdered.”
So, with the extensive knowledge that I have to offer, I went over the tapes and I’ve got some unsolicited advice to avoid this happening again:
Stop Shooting People
Liam, this one is very obvious. It’s almost embarrassing that I have to bring this up. Shooting people makes them mad at you. Also, you shot SO MANY of them. Ease up.
Don’t Leave America
Hey, Liam, of all the times you’ve gotten in trouble, how many of those have been in America? NONE OF THEM. I’m no doctor, but it seems like if you just stayed in one place for like a week, things would be okay. America is great, we have tons of stuff here you can do.
Make Some Not-Work Friends
Most of your problems are caused by these “friends” you had at this old “job” you’re now “retired” from. Liam, you’ve gotta get friends who don’t want to murder you with their bare hands. And if you need places to meet new people, just spitballing here: dog parks, meetup.com, wine tastings, swing dance club.
Stop Letting Your Daughter Travel Alone In Foreign Countries
Liam. My God. Establish a buddy system or get an Au Pair. Kim literally was JUST captured and sold into a sex slave ring by Albanians. Then, on the next vacation, you say it’s cool for her to run off, unchaperoned, AGAIN. Also I’ve seen what she looks like and no offense, but she’s super hot. Guys are creeps. Do the math.
Ask People Nicely to Not Take Things From You
From what I saw in those tapes, you have not tried this. Liam, be nice. Your “stab-now-ask-questions-later” attitude is insane. Also you’re old! You can’t be running yourself ragged like this forever, get a less violent tactic. You know the saying, “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?” That means that if for some godforsaken reason you want to catch flies, you should give them honey and be nice to them because flies like that sort of thing.
Don’t Treat The Women in Your Life Like Objects That Can Be “Taken”
This one is for you AND all those other dudes. This isn’t so much a tip on how to not lose things, it’s a common decency thing. Women aren’t leverage for fights where you and your European friends squash beef. Just feminism 101.
See? Easy stuff. You know what they say, Liam: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, get your shit together because YOU are the common denominator in all these escapades and everyone in your life suffers because of choices you’ve made.” So take your gravelly voice and healthy head of hair and sign up for a pottery class.
Trust me, I’m an expert.