The Internet has heard some horror stories about terrible cable representatives before, but nothing compares to what this subscriber endured. The customer service you’ll read in this phone transcript is so insulting that we can’t even tell you which provider it was. This cable company kept their customer on the line (who incidentally is a pet box turtle) for a whopping 23 minutes (!!). This is the transcript between a soulless nightmare cable rep and a non-verbal animal who accidentally hit redial on their owner’s phone:


Cable Rep: Sir you indicated through the phone tree that you’re interested in changing your service and I’d like to help you with that but you’ll need to speak up, please.

Turtle: (Silence)

Cable Rep: Are you trying to cancel your cable service?

Turtle: (Continued silence)

Cable Rep: Is it that you want Showtime? Sir?

Turtle: (Silence)

Cable Rep: Sir?

Turtle: (Silence)

Cable Rep: …Ma’am?

Turtle: (Almost imperceptible scratching against the receiver with a tiny front turtle toe)

Cable Rep: Oh! If you are mute, or similarly disabled, you can use your keypad to answer in the form of yes or no questions. Do you want to do that?

Turtle: (Thinking of lettuce)

This Satan-taking-the-form-of-Hitler-who-works-at-a-major-cable-corporation continues to badger the caller for another 3 minutes, and at no point does the employee provide one actual service for the customer!

Cable Rep: Based on the information I have here, and the timing of when you dropped the phone to the floor, I’m going to assume you want to cancel your cable, and I can start that process for you. (keyboard clacking) Okay, I’m going to need the four-digit pin number that you selected with us. And if it’s possible, I’d really love it if we could speed this call up. My supervisor is my fiancé’s dad and I’m worried that if I don’t start doing a better job he won’t go to the wedding.

Turtle: (Silence; slowly walking away from phone)

Cable Rep: (Silence)

Turtle: (Hears a loud truck driving by outside, stops)

Cable Rep: Okay, so, it sounded like very far away in the distance you said two? I just need three more numbers. We’re almost there, buddy!

Remarkably, the turtle managed to keep his or her composure throughout this Kafkaesque runaround but finally, just when the night seemed its darkest, the cable rep, herein referred to as various serial killers, begins to relent and finally do their job and cancel the cable.

T. Bundy: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to go ahead and pull up your account with Erin’s dad’s override code. (Keyboard sounds, and not to editorialize, but it kind of sounds like a regular computer keyboard if it was being used by a high school bully.)

Turtle (Victim): (Silence, possibly trying to sleep)

J.W. Gacy: Okay. There. I cancelled your cable service. You no longer have any cable, and I’ve waived any fees associated with ending the contract. Thank you for being a [Redacted] Cable subscriber. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Innocent Turtle: (Silence. His head is, like, halfway in its shell. Really cute.)

Zodiac Killer: (heavy sigh) Okay, well. Before you go, I do have to tell you about our Triple Dip option that provides phone service as well as the high-speed Internet that you already enjoy. Is that something you would be interested in?

That’s right! Even after the customer finally succeeded in cancelling their cable, they were still being given the hard sell! Unfortunately for the box turtle, this pitch went on for a full five minutes until his owner noticed the overturned phone and hung up. We’re pleased to report that this human equivalent of a garbage bag filled with unsold copies of Twister on VHS went on to be fired after it was discovered that they had spent almost half an hour talking to a stupid turtle.

The box turtle was recently given a new rock.

Ramsey Ess is a freelance writer for television, podcaster and a guy on Twitter. His webseries “Ramsey Has a Time Machine” has a very self-explanatory title.


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