The US men’s swim team is already bringing home the gold, most recently in the new, little known event of Vanity Bruising. Many at home have been wondering why the entire men’s team, Michael Phelps in particular, were covered in perfectly round, evenly spaced bruises. As of Monday morning, they have an answer.

“Yeah, uh, Rio, like, added a bunch of totally random events and Vanity Bruising was one of them. We were like, uh, duh, for sure we can, like, do? That? Sorry I’m super high. Has anyone seen Boomer, my kid? I named him that cause that’s what I said right as I made him — BOOMER!”

IOC President Thomas Bach explained further: “Rio is mostly known for hot models with perfect butts. We wanted to bring some of that superficial flair to the games so we added a bunch of competitions that focus on athletes’ bodies. Things like Rocking A Smokey Eye While Competing In Another Event (Hope Solo took gold in this event). Vanity bruising from cupping seemed like a fun one to add. And boy did those slick meat sacks, I mean THE U.S. MEN’S SWIMMING TEAM ever prove dominant!”

Despite the win, the U.S. trails Brazil, France, Italy, Tonga and (weirdly) Canada in the physical/vanity categories.

Images via Getty

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