The U.S. Men’s Gymnastics team has shocked the world by revealing that, much like Ryan Lochte, they were urinating all over Rio. However, unlike Lochte, no one seemed to care.
“We really tried to get some attention this year,” team member Sam Mikulak explained. “We were parading around without our shirts, talking about having our shirts off, making up the word ‘yoked’ — really good stuff! But that was just the start.”
The men described how, in a bid to attract attention for the team, they began committing petty acts of vandalism across the city. “We peed in public parks, sang a capella in train stations. We even adopted a puppy real briefly. It was so durgey. Durgey’s another word we made up.”
But their antics failed to stir interest in the poor performing team. “Lochte pees somewhere, the world is like ‘Whaaaa!?!’ But we pee somewhere and the world is like, ‘Clean it up,’” lamented Mikulak. “Must be nice to have some gold medals…must be nice.”