When they finally caught that terrorist douchebag who tried to kill a bunch of innocent civilians in Chelsea recently, I was like “Finally, I get to look into the steely, piercing eyes of true evil.”

And then I saw him, and I was like “ew.”

No square jaw. No rugged “three days being chased by police” stubble. Not even a windswept Tsarnaev-level hairdo.

I mean, give me the terrifying death eyes of Charles Manson any day of the week.


Or the super-eerily normal-seeming Ted Bundy. Chills!

But this freaking pudgy sack of nothing? He does NOT deserve the cover of Rolling Stone. MAYBE page 125 of Inept Bombers Quarterly, but even that’s being generous.

Enjoy jail and free medical care, you willow-faced, pube-bearded C-list terrorist.

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