Like polio and diphtheria before it, the scourge of pornography is a public health crisis that demands swift intervention. The moral plague of pornography lives only to titillate and tempt good LDS men away from their true Godly duty: marrying as many young girls as possible as promised to us by their fathers. No longer can we allow pornography to corrupt the practice and sanctity of our plural child marriages.

Pornography comes in many forms, from the sailor magazines of yesteryear to the cyber-sewer of today’s internet culture. Even on network television, good families are exposed to shaking breasts and buttocks nightly. Salacious trash oozes from every radio speaker. Brassiere catalogues defile our very mailboxes. Pornography is a cancer, and we must no longer tolerate a society wherein our multiple teen brides — some of whom were married away to men five times their age at only 12-years-old — are subject to look upon such filth.

Be sure: the very souls of our men and the young girls we secretly trade between families like soft, kissable baseball cards are at stake. Pornography destroys families, from those with two child brides to those with thirty. The corrupting influence of pornography, produced and disseminated by godless Hollywood types for commercial gain, is drowning an already sick world in sea of leather, lace, and lube. Some may be strong enough resist pornography’s sweet siren song, but restrictive legislature is needed to protect those of weaker moral constitution lest they disrupt the rich LDS tradition of keeping adolescent girls as silent sexual hostages in their own homes.

Let us exile pornography once and for all to vile gutter from whence it came. A nation will then understand that creepy sex stuff has no place in the state of Utah.

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