Hey sports fans,

UVA men’s basketball here. We just wanted to shoot a note to all our fans and say: Guys, don’t feel bad for us because we didn’t make the Final Four. Yeah we were a top seed, looked good this year, some of our seniors might never play basketball at this level again. All that’s a bummer. But, honestly? We’re swimming in pity poon right now and might never come up for air.

We’re in our late teens/early 20s and — Final Four or not — we’re gods. Our bodies are rock hard steel, our futures are bright and we can have sex upwards of 6 times a night with a refractory period of, like, 30 seconds. Some of us will be NBA recruits, some will coach, all of us will slide into pussy for the rest of our lives saying we played NCAA Division I basketball. As for right now, we’re happy to soak up allllllll the pity sex we can — which, to be clear is sososososososososososSOOOO much sex.

Feel bad for the schlub who spent $5 on us to win in his office bracket. He was already dreaming about the bargain kayak he was gonna buy with those winnings. Sorry, dude, that sucks. Feel bad for that elderly couple who drove all the way to the arena to see their alma mater get beaten by a team who has a color as a mascot. But don’t waste a second feeling bad for us. We’ve got 19 year old girls who are like, “I saw you tear up after the game, I thought it was sexy.”

We’re FINE.

UVA Men’s Basketball and, really, all teams eliminated from the Final Four

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